


how am I going to be an optimist about this?

by jetplane



Series: Whumptober 2020 [6]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Child Loss, F/M, Gen, Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy, Whumptober 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:02:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26868604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jetplane/pseuds/jetplane
Summary: Years after losing her son, Alex finds out that she's pregnant again.prompts: "please, stop" and no more (day 6)
Relationships: Alex Blake/James Blake
Series: Whumptober 2020 [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1946050
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	how am I going to be an optimist about this?

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy this work! I know my works for Whumptober so far have been all over the map, but I really think this is one of my best so far. 
> 
> _but if you close your eyes  
>  does it almost feel like nothing’s changed at all?  
> and if you close your eyes  
> does it almost feel like you’ve been here before?  
> how am I going to be an optimist about this?_  
> \- “Pompeii” by Bastile

Alex Blake closes her eyes. Her head spins as she grips the bathroom counter, trying not to read into the waves of nausea that wash over her. She forces her eyes open again.

The blue plus sign is still there.

How could this have happened? She and James had always been so careful, never wanting to conceive another child. When Ethan had been born, they’d made a silent agreement. The care of their son had to be their number-one priority, leaving no room for another. After Ethan had died...

~

_“Hey, babe?”_

_Alex turned from the coffee machine to her husband with a smile. “Hey,” she replied. Her profiling skills kicked in automatically, and she noted his bitten nails and avoidant gaze. “What’s wrong?”_

_James looked at the floor. “I...wanted to talk to you about something.”_

_She took a sip of her drink. “About what?”_

_He paused again, working up the courage to speak. Finally, he managed to broach the subject. “It’s okay if you don’t want to answer but…” James took a hesitant breath. “Do you want to try to have another baby?” It had been two years since Ethan had passed._

_Alex’s knuckles whitened around her coffee mug, and she set it down on the counter before it slipped from her shaking hands. She couldn’t look at him. “No. No more.”_

_It was hard to tell from his voice if he was disappointed or relieved. All he said is, “okay.” Alex squeezed her eyes shut. When she opened them again, James was gone._

~

She knows how this works. Condoms are 98% effective under ideal conditions and 85% effective in real life. IUDs have a roughly 0.5% failure rate. For her and James, that should mean a 0.435% chance of pregnancy.

But the doctors gave Ethan a 1% chance of living past the age of five, and he made it to nine. His condition was so rare that the number of people with it could be counted on one hand. It still doesn’t even have a name, never mind a statistic.

Except for one. The odds of this child having the same condition is 25%. 

~

_She asked James to read the report. Not because he was a medical doctor; Alex could hold her own when deciphering the language of Ethan’s illness, but because she wasn’t sure what she would do if she found out that his condition had been her fault._

_James unfolded the paper with one hand, the other not leaving his wife’s. His eyes skimmed the text. Weeks ago, the couple had submitted DNA samples for comparison against Ethan’s genome on file and a database of genetic disorders. The results were finally in._

_He finally looked up. “They found something.” Alex waited patiently for her husband to continue. “A variant of unknown significance, likely pathogenic,” he read from the text. They both knew what that meant. Ethan had a genetic mutation that had yet to be identified, but that was suspected to be the cause of his disease. James locked eyes with his wife. “It’s a recessive mutation.”_

_She knew what that meant, too. Both of them must have been carriers of the faulty, and Ethan had received one from each of them. Eight years after their son passed, they finally had an answer. “We - we gave this to him?”_

_Her husband pulled her close. “It’s not our fault,” he whispered. “We didn’t know.”_

_He was right, of course. And even if they had known...Alex loved her son too much to ever regret bringing him into the world. No matter how hard it had been for them._

_“I can’t do this again, James,” she confessed as she held him. “Not again. Never again.”_

_“I know,” he whispered. “We won’t. I promise.”_

~

Alex wraps her arms around her stomach as she waits. James should be home any minute now, and she’s going to have to give him the news. She has no idea how he’ll take it. Her husband had always wanted multiple children; they both had. But he’d never broached the subject while Ethan was alive and only mentioned it once after he’d died.

The door finally unlocks, and James steps through the entryway. He puts down his keys and his briefcase and kicks off his shoes before noticing his wife hovering. “Hey, babe,” he says with a smile. “How was your day?”

She forces a smile and a shrug. “Work was fine,” she replies.

He nods. “Did anything interesting happen?”

This is the moment. She has to tell him. “James…”

James’s grin fades as he sees the look on her face. “What happened?” Alex shifts her weight uneasily. “Do you want to sit down?” She nods, and then move to the living room. James takes his armchair and Alex curls up on the couch as always. “Did something happen, Alex?”

Alex forces herself to nod. She fiddles with the sleeve of her sweater. “My period was late.” Her husband draws in a sharp breath. He reaches out for her hand, but she doesn’t take it. “I took a test, and-”

“No. Stop, please.” James holds his head in his hands. He doesn’t want his wife to see him cry, but tears are about to spill. “Please, tell me…”

“Positive,” she whispers.

He doesn’t want to believe it. “Are you sure?”

She closes her eyes and draws her feet up onto the couch, hugging her knees to her chest. “I took it three times.

James is a doctor. He knows that there’s a 0.000027% chance of getting three false positives in a row. When he looks back up at his wife, his eyes are watery. “Are you okay?” he asks, standing up from his chair and moving to sit by his wife’s side.

Alex shakes her head. “I don’t know.” He puts her arm around her, and she leans her head against his shoulder. They remain in that position for a long time.

Finally, he decides to break the silence. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asks gently. Alex opens her eyes and looks at her husband. “I know you’re scared, but there are...options. Whatever you want to do, I’ll support you.”

She processes this. “I don’t know what I want to do,” she confesses. James knows without words what she’s thinking. On one hand, they had once both wanted a large family. Part of them still did. But the other part, the part that would always hurt and fear no matter how long Ethan had been gone, said that it was a bad idea. Even if the child didn’t inherit their bad genes, there were so many other things that could go wrong. Cancer and car crashes, drowning and drug overdoses, fires and fevers and flus. Could they really put themselves through that heartbreak again?

When Alex doesn’t elaborate, James leans over and kisses her forehead. “It’s okay,” he whispers. “We’ll figure it out together. I promise.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If you have any comments or suggestions for me, please leave them in the comments or send them to my Tumblr, @jet-plane. Have a great night!


End file.
